Ok...so, partial forgiveness

I am letting some of it go as best I can at the mo', but I just couldn't help but make you squirm a little today, cause afterall, you deserve it. Yee shall reap what yee sowed.

forgiveness

Letting it go, its not worth the turmoil it brings my heart. To hate you, to despise you, to tear you apart. You are a person, such as I am. You make mistakes, I make mistakes. You hurt me, I forgive you. I just want to be happy.

On a brighter note....my GPS should be arriving today! Yay!

Anger Phase

I've now entered the next phase of getting over b2, anger, which I'm not really proud of, to be honest. I'm just glad that I'm making progress, so in a way its good. I am starting to really hate him, like despise him. Well, let me be clear, I don't truly hate anyone (if I saw b2 trapped in a burning car or something, I'd probably help pull him out, I guess because I am a decent human being), but I really don't like his behavior and I'm really angry about the way he treated me. In one word it was just --- wrong! I know that I have myself partly to blame for it, as the saying goes "people treat you the way you allow them to". Yes, I know, I know. I guess, being me, I just never would do that to another person, the things he did, the things he said. Today, I filled in my guy friend M on what happened with b2 and he, like pretty much everyone else who has heard the saga, was completely shocked by b2's behavior. No one expected that of him. Its like he was feeding his ego by making me feel bad, really bad, and he took pleasure in it. It was cruel and unusual punishment that I wouldn't dole out to my worst enemy.

I returned the bear today, I put him back on the edge of the cube where asshole, I mean, b2 sits. Its better to just return anything that belongs to him or is in anyway associated with him. There is truly no reason for contact anymore, unless it is a work-related matter - even that I am trying my best to minimize. Its just not fair that he is fine right now, completely unaffected, going about his business and working on his music. While I am left a mess - hurt, angry and picking up the pieces.

Happy Birthday

Its your birthday today. I hope wherever you are, your having a wonderful day. I miss you, and I love you. Thank you for loving me as much as you did, I'll always cherish our good memories. Looking back now, I can see how much you cared and how much you were there for me through so many years....I'm sorry. I'll always love you. Happy Birthday...

Shitty Day

For the record, today officially sucks. Reasons why:

1) Its Monday
2) Its gloomy out
3) I have 3 zits on my cheek
4) I feel exhausted even though I stayed in most of the weekend
5) I can't get you out of my head

Quote

"strike before, replace it with more"....b2

Seeing through you...

Its so funny how different people deal with things so differently. I always saw you as mature, wise beyond your years, but I'm really starting to see how immature you truly are. So I spent this weekend in solitude trying to learn something from my painful experience with you. As much as I want to look at it in a positive light (i.e. b2 helped me get over b1), the reality is I just traded one hurt for another. I was well on my way in getting over b1 and was doing pretty damn good, it was twelve years after all, couldn't have expected myself to get over it overnight --- I certainly didn't need you to come along with all your false promises. You gave me a taste of something I had so dearly missed and my heart had longed for, only to rip it right out from under me again. Now your off in NYC, getting your comfort. Call it woman's intuition but I know exactly why you went and what you are doing there. It just proves to me how immature and disrespectful of a person you are. Hope you have a wonderful time!

P.S. I'm so tempted to burn your bear.

Serenity in my Solitude

I just want to wallow in it, this feeling of letting you go. In my time alone, I am accepting that you are not and have never been the one for me. This time is different from all the times before that I have walked away, cause this time I mean it. There is finality to this; I feel it in my core. Now I’m just waiting to get through this final stage of letting go completely, understanding, healing and finally moving on. I see now how our lifestyles just don’t match up, how different we are. How we think differently, see the world differently, and in many respects we come from and exist in two very different worlds. Our only true parallel is our employer and our work. If it was not for that, I don’t think we would have ever crossed paths or even noticed each other in the course of our daily lives. We have very little in common; the few things we do share are not enough to sustain a relationship. I wasn’t even comfortable around you, I couldn’t even be myself. We were just all wrong.

Excited!

Ordered my TomTom XL 330 GPS receiver today! I used my amex reward points and only had to pay $80 for it (reg. price $199-249). Bargain! No more getting lost for me!! Yay!

Friends, Fajitas and Margaritas

Last night I had dinner at Margaritas in Waltham with two girlfriends, T and K. I hadn't seen T in so very long and she is expecting. She's all belly which is how I hope to be when/if I am ever with child. Dinner was really good and I had an unusually big appetite, its 9am and I can still feel the food in my stomach (I don't really like this feeling, cause I feel like I should skip breakfast and I love breakfast). Anyway, dinner was really good and worth the calories. So topic of conversation, of course, men. Inevitably I spent my fair share of time discussing B2 and why he was never good for me to begin with, etc, etc. I can't wait until I am past this stage and I no longer need to discuss, rehash, and reassure myself about B2. He wasn't good for me and that's it, no need to analyze further (rational side), but my emotional side wants to cover/uncover ever last detail. OK, so back to dinner, it was superb, girl talk was good, we had fried ice cream for dessert and I drove all the way home listening to Britney Spears (yeah, that's right, I like her and I don't give a fuck, if it makes you feel better I listened to Alicia Keys on the way there). So speaking of expecting....I still have that funny feeling in my belly...I hope its just my nerves.

Untitled....

I need time, I need space, I need love, I need life. I'm trying to figure things out, exploring. I wonder was it me that drove you away. I can be intense, I agree. I can explode and say things I really don't mean. I can throw a tantrum like a child, when I don't get my way. So was it me that drove you away.

Difficult Day...

Hasn't been easy today. Been missing you like crazy.

Hostage

He guards the entrance to your lair.
He's small, he's brown and he's a bear.
I couldn't resist as a I was walking by,
To snatch and keep hostage this little guy!

Anatomy of a Broken Heart

So last night I attended Kooza, Cirque de Soleil's exhilarating new show. It was not only breathe takingly beautiful, but had me gasping and at the edge of my seat quite a few times. So magical, so alluring, a beautiful evening....that was suppose to be ours, that could have been ours. But like our nonexisting "relationship", it never happened. What could of been, never was. Last night you left a mark on my heart, an ache that I will always remember and reference should you ever attempt to enter my world again, should you try to sneak your way in. You never asked what I did with the tickets, did I have someone to go with me? Did I sell them?....you never cared and nothing spoke louder then your silence. But in the end its your loss, you walked away from the magic, the love, the care, someone that was completely into you and would have given you 100% and more. You just walked away...Regardless, I pushed the thoughts of you out of my head and enjoyed the show. Special thanks to M for sharing this special evening with me.

gchat

It helped the day go by....when we would chat you and I.

Gay, Straight or Bi

So I am left with quit a few questions after the end of this last "relationship". It's relationship in quotes because it was lets say nonofficial. One of the major and most unsettling questions is that of his sexuality. In the very beginning of the "relationship" he told me he was bisexual, in my shock I didn't pursue further explanation (I was on probation after some bad behavior of my own). After a weekend of me and my girlfriend M repeating the phrase "I've dated men, but I don't like dick" over and over again in astonishment, I decided to ask him for further explanation. At this point he reneged and said he was just trying to freak me out and see how I react to unexpected things. The evidence I have to his bisexuality are as follows:

• Myspace post from another guy addressed to "Hey Sexy"....but ending in "bro"
  
• a flirtatious calendar appointment to another guy with the subject "I want to be near you.....physically"
  
• he once told a mutual friend that he was planning an elaborate dinner for a guy he had meet and was waiting for the guy to call him
  
• feminine mannerisms

I questioned him several times more during our "relationship" about this subject, each time he vehemently denied any activity or sexual interest in other men. So I am left with the question, is he gay (no), straight (maybe) or bi (most likely).

Letting go of you

Passion pain fury love
Darkness light dreams fight
Up and down rollercoaster ride
Turmoil boiling inside
Holding on letting go
Wrong right I don’t know
Give me time give me space
To make sense of this waste