Delightful December

This month has started off perfectly. So much to look forward to, so much excitement, and its Christmas time. I'm so happy.

Sunday Indulgence

After spending a few hours watching the Thanksgiving specials on the Food Network, I had an intense craving for Indian pudding. I've never had it, but it looked like something I would really enjoy. Here is the recipe I decided to follow after a little online research. I added a few of my own modifications and I am happy to report that it turned out delightful.

Femme Fetale Boston's Indian Pudding Recipe:

2-1/2 cups whole milk

3 Tbsp. cornmeal (yellow)

1/2 cup molasses (dark)

2 Tbsp. butter

2 eggs

1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg

2 Tbsp. brown sugar

1 tsp. vanilla extract

pinch of salt

Set oven to 300 degrees F.

Pour milk into medium-large saucepan and heat over medium-high heat just until milk is scalding (tiny bubbles will appear around the edge). Watch carefully so milk does not boil.

Add cornmeal, one Tbsp. at a time, stirring after each addition to prevent lumps from forming. Add molasses and butter. Reduce heat under saucepan to low and cook mixture 10-15 minutes, stirring frequently, until thickened. (Tip: You want it still pouring consistency and not as thick as instant pudding.)

In a medium-size mixing bowl, beat eggs with a wire whisk. Add cinammon, nutmeg, vanilla extract, brown sugar and salt. Whisk. Add this mixture to your saucepan slowly as not to cook eggs with the hot mix.

Butter a one-quart casserole dish or other deep baking dish. Pour mix into casserole dish and bake at 300 degrees F for 45 minutes.

Serve Indian pudding warm. Traditionally, heavy cream is poured over the top, however I chose a scoop of vanilla bean ice-cream.

Enjoy!

Uneventful November

This month was spent working, many, many long hours. The strange thing is that I enjoyed it. I became engrossed in it and it gave me a break from everything and everyone, including a break from my own thoughts and emotions. I was just living each day with a goal in mind, to finish as much work as I could for the day. Driven, determined, goal-oriented and focused. This felt so much more like me, I felt more like myself than I have in a long time. It was good for me in many ways. Oh, one thing to note about November, the cold has reminded me how much I love red wine in the winter. My new favorite, shiraz. Nothing like a glass of shiraz to take the shivers away and finish off the day.

New rules to live by written in stone (figuratively speaking)
1. Don’t discuss or inquire about b2 (who gives a shit!)
2. Never call b1, ever, for any reason
3. Cut C out of my life as much as possible
4. Trust gut feeling
5. Don’t react emotionally (think think first)

i love you

just incase you ever wondered

Tough Day

Having a tough day today, don't really know whats going on with me. I guess my post break-up haircut high is winding down.

The Dating Game Part Duex

So I am talking to this other guy TC, I met him on POF. Just emailing back and forth, he happens to be a pilot, travels all over. At the time we first started chatting, I was looking for someone to maybe go out on a date with, trying to forget or move on from b2 as quickly as I could. Now that I have realized going out with other men is just making me like b2 more, and that I obviously need a break from the dating scene, I've changed strategies. I am no longer actively looking, instead I am planning on focusing on me for a while and if I am to go out with someone than it will be only with someone I feel I am compatible with and we are on the same page. So being that TC is constantly traveling, that wouldn't work. One of my requirements is residency in Boston, otherwise I don't see why I should even bother, its just not going to work, plain and simple, no need to waste anyone's time. So TC found me on Facebook, he then suggested that we move forward to telephone conversations. I replied and told him that I thought things were ok as is for now (emails, facebook). Well he didn't take to that so well and he wrote me somewhat of a nastigram, beginning with the word "whatever". Whatever you! Ok Buddy, whatever to you! But seriously, whatever cause I'm just weeding out the bad ones with absolutely no investment (emotional or otherwise) on my part. Thanks b2 you have made me a stronger, wiser woman.

The Dating Game

So in late August when some Chicago friends were visiting, we ended up at a random Irish bar downtown by chance. That night I met TJ. He was the tallest guy at the bar and he offered to buy me and my friend C a drink, however, he did it just as I was handing the money over to the bartender (at that moment, I labeled him cheap). We talked for a bit and he seemed nice enough, and he was cute so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him. Two weeks later I get a random text asking if I would like to meet for drinks. After asking him to "refresh my memory" as to who he was, I then remembered "yes, the tall guy with the blue shirt." So we met at CBC two weeks ago on a Friday. He met my friend C, who was there with her on-again/0ff-again (understatement) boyfriend. He also got to meet L, who was on a first date herself. We had a pretty good time, and I was pleased to find out we share the same political views (the presidential debate was on that night). (On a side note, I would not date anyone who is voting for McCain/Palin, no fucking way.) So we chit-chatted into the night and closed down the place, we then headed over to the Middle East (I was secretly wishing to run into b2 since its a total hipster doofus hangout). After closing the Middle East, he drove me to where I was parked, I quickly gave him a prudish hug and off I went. The next day, he eagerly texts that he wants to see me again very soon (the chase is on). I suggest the following Friday a) because I'm looking to take things slow b) spreading out my dates means another Friday night not spent with my Yorkie and a Redbox movie and c) I had 3 zits on my cheek that I was waiting to clear up. (Side note: I don't usually break out but I recently tried to get off the pill - side effect equals acne - no thanks, I guess I'm a lifer).

Following Friday, we have sushi in the South End then meet his friends to watch the Red Sox game near Fenway. After the game, he drives me to my car in Brighton (I had left it parked at my friend P's place earlier that night). During the drive from the Fenway area to Comm Ave he suggests dropping me off at my place cause he's been drinking and probably shouldn't be driving around (OK -- Sure buddy, my place is 7 miles away, while Comm Ave/Brighton is less than a mile -- Nice try!). I offer to drive, but he says he's ok. So we arrive at the car and he leans in for a kiss (I am not feeling this). He hasn't done anything to turn me off (except the fake drink offer the first night and the not so slick attempt to get an invite to my place [laughable]). So I give him a demure peck on the lips. Sensing his disappointment, I decide this is the perfect moment to just lay my cards on the table. I'm like, listen.... here's my deal, I just got hurt big time, blindsided by this guy I thought was the greatest, nicest person in the world. I am only interested in dating people who are on the same page as me, that is men who are looking for a relationship. I'm not interested in anyone who is looking for casual dating/casual sex (cause to me there's nothing casual about sex). I don't want anyone to come into my life that plans on hurting me, deceiving me or causing me emotional pain...and, I'm looking to take things very, very slow and really get to know someone, blah, blah, blah...it ALL came out. He just looked at me (looking suddenly stone sober) and stumbling on his words as he makes an awkward attempt to reassure me that we are indeed on the same page, etc. I then say, "well I think I've said too much, its time to call it a night." He leans in again for a kiss, and gets another peck (yup, that's right, I meant what I said). After my experience with b2 I can clearly identify men in pursuit mode (aka fake mode) as my guy friend M put it. Its as if the blinders have been lifted (only took 33 years, but in my own defense I spent 12 years w/b1 so I am in many ways a dating novice). I drive off that night and figure I won't being hearing from TJ again. Tonight he sent me an email, looks like I didn't scare him away.....go figure!

2 Steps forward, One Step back

So, I'd been doing really well, starting to finally move out of the anger phase and just into the whatever phase. Went on a good date with a cute guy (a tall guy). Had a very nice little dinner party with the girls (sangria/mexican night). All along feeling a sadness, but it was lessening and the anger had definitely subsided. I had to contact him for work stuff, a couple of times...I was hesitant, but it was necessary. He was polite and extremely helpful, so than that's when it happened, I just started to really miss him. Not the asshole him, just the side of him that would chat with me all day on gchat and make me laugh and share really cool things --- that side. It wasn't even a romantic thing really, just more on the lines of friendship. And, so I talked to him a few times on email and he seemed to respond though a little hesitant, I told him some really funny things, and he shared something interesting with me about a woman at work that I don't particularly care for. So things were going along nicely, I was feeling better. Spirits lifted....and then, I had to do it...I sent him an email on gchat. Just like hey thanks for being cool at work, sorry about all the stuff a few weeks ago, its been hard for me, that's really it. Nothing much to it, just one small paragraph. And, then, nothing....he never wrote back, never responded. I don't know why it hurts so badly but it just does. I shouldn't have ever apologized for anything, I felt bad about how I reacted to his horrible behavior, but in reality he is the one that needs to apologize. He is the one who hurt me and evidence is mounting towards it being deliberate and calculated. But anyhow, I did it to myself so I have to accept what I did, 2 steps forward, one step back.

Ok...so, partial forgiveness

I am letting some of it go as best I can at the mo', but I just couldn't help but make you squirm a little today, cause afterall, you deserve it. Yee shall reap what yee sowed.

forgiveness

Letting it go, its not worth the turmoil it brings my heart. To hate you, to despise you, to tear you apart. You are a person, such as I am. You make mistakes, I make mistakes. You hurt me, I forgive you. I just want to be happy.

On a brighter note....my GPS should be arriving today! Yay!

Anger Phase

I've now entered the next phase of getting over b2, anger, which I'm not really proud of, to be honest. I'm just glad that I'm making progress, so in a way its good. I am starting to really hate him, like despise him. Well, let me be clear, I don't truly hate anyone (if I saw b2 trapped in a burning car or something, I'd probably help pull him out, I guess because I am a decent human being), but I really don't like his behavior and I'm really angry about the way he treated me. In one word it was just --- wrong! I know that I have myself partly to blame for it, as the saying goes "people treat you the way you allow them to". Yes, I know, I know. I guess, being me, I just never would do that to another person, the things he did, the things he said. Today, I filled in my guy friend M on what happened with b2 and he, like pretty much everyone else who has heard the saga, was completely shocked by b2's behavior. No one expected that of him. Its like he was feeding his ego by making me feel bad, really bad, and he took pleasure in it. It was cruel and unusual punishment that I wouldn't dole out to my worst enemy.

I returned the bear today, I put him back on the edge of the cube where asshole, I mean, b2 sits. Its better to just return anything that belongs to him or is in anyway associated with him. There is truly no reason for contact anymore, unless it is a work-related matter - even that I am trying my best to minimize. Its just not fair that he is fine right now, completely unaffected, going about his business and working on his music. While I am left a mess - hurt, angry and picking up the pieces.

Happy Birthday

Its your birthday today. I hope wherever you are, your having a wonderful day. I miss you, and I love you. Thank you for loving me as much as you did, I'll always cherish our good memories. Looking back now, I can see how much you cared and how much you were there for me through so many years....I'm sorry. I'll always love you. Happy Birthday...

Shitty Day

For the record, today officially sucks. Reasons why:

1) Its Monday
2) Its gloomy out
3) I have 3 zits on my cheek
4) I feel exhausted even though I stayed in most of the weekend
5) I can't get you out of my head

Quote

"strike before, replace it with more"....b2

Seeing through you...

Its so funny how different people deal with things so differently. I always saw you as mature, wise beyond your years, but I'm really starting to see how immature you truly are. So I spent this weekend in solitude trying to learn something from my painful experience with you. As much as I want to look at it in a positive light (i.e. b2 helped me get over b1), the reality is I just traded one hurt for another. I was well on my way in getting over b1 and was doing pretty damn good, it was twelve years after all, couldn't have expected myself to get over it overnight --- I certainly didn't need you to come along with all your false promises. You gave me a taste of something I had so dearly missed and my heart had longed for, only to rip it right out from under me again. Now your off in NYC, getting your comfort. Call it woman's intuition but I know exactly why you went and what you are doing there. It just proves to me how immature and disrespectful of a person you are. Hope you have a wonderful time!

P.S. I'm so tempted to burn your bear.

Serenity in my Solitude

I just want to wallow in it, this feeling of letting you go. In my time alone, I am accepting that you are not and have never been the one for me. This time is different from all the times before that I have walked away, cause this time I mean it. There is finality to this; I feel it in my core. Now I’m just waiting to get through this final stage of letting go completely, understanding, healing and finally moving on. I see now how our lifestyles just don’t match up, how different we are. How we think differently, see the world differently, and in many respects we come from and exist in two very different worlds. Our only true parallel is our employer and our work. If it was not for that, I don’t think we would have ever crossed paths or even noticed each other in the course of our daily lives. We have very little in common; the few things we do share are not enough to sustain a relationship. I wasn’t even comfortable around you, I couldn’t even be myself. We were just all wrong.

Excited!

Ordered my TomTom XL 330 GPS receiver today! I used my amex reward points and only had to pay $80 for it (reg. price $199-249). Bargain! No more getting lost for me!! Yay!

Friends, Fajitas and Margaritas

Last night I had dinner at Margaritas in Waltham with two girlfriends, T and K. I hadn't seen T in so very long and she is expecting. She's all belly which is how I hope to be when/if I am ever with child. Dinner was really good and I had an unusually big appetite, its 9am and I can still feel the food in my stomach (I don't really like this feeling, cause I feel like I should skip breakfast and I love breakfast). Anyway, dinner was really good and worth the calories. So topic of conversation, of course, men. Inevitably I spent my fair share of time discussing B2 and why he was never good for me to begin with, etc, etc. I can't wait until I am past this stage and I no longer need to discuss, rehash, and reassure myself about B2. He wasn't good for me and that's it, no need to analyze further (rational side), but my emotional side wants to cover/uncover ever last detail. OK, so back to dinner, it was superb, girl talk was good, we had fried ice cream for dessert and I drove all the way home listening to Britney Spears (yeah, that's right, I like her and I don't give a fuck, if it makes you feel better I listened to Alicia Keys on the way there). So speaking of expecting....I still have that funny feeling in my belly...I hope its just my nerves.

Untitled....

I need time, I need space, I need love, I need life. I'm trying to figure things out, exploring. I wonder was it me that drove you away. I can be intense, I agree. I can explode and say things I really don't mean. I can throw a tantrum like a child, when I don't get my way. So was it me that drove you away.

Difficult Day...

Hasn't been easy today. Been missing you like crazy.

Hostage

He guards the entrance to your lair.
He's small, he's brown and he's a bear.
I couldn't resist as a I was walking by,
To snatch and keep hostage this little guy!

Anatomy of a Broken Heart

So last night I attended Kooza, Cirque de Soleil's exhilarating new show. It was not only breathe takingly beautiful, but had me gasping and at the edge of my seat quite a few times. So magical, so alluring, a beautiful evening....that was suppose to be ours, that could have been ours. But like our nonexisting "relationship", it never happened. What could of been, never was. Last night you left a mark on my heart, an ache that I will always remember and reference should you ever attempt to enter my world again, should you try to sneak your way in. You never asked what I did with the tickets, did I have someone to go with me? Did I sell them?....you never cared and nothing spoke louder then your silence. But in the end its your loss, you walked away from the magic, the love, the care, someone that was completely into you and would have given you 100% and more. You just walked away...Regardless, I pushed the thoughts of you out of my head and enjoyed the show. Special thanks to M for sharing this special evening with me.

gchat

It helped the day go by....when we would chat you and I.

Gay, Straight or Bi

So I am left with quit a few questions after the end of this last "relationship". It's relationship in quotes because it was lets say nonofficial. One of the major and most unsettling questions is that of his sexuality. In the very beginning of the "relationship" he told me he was bisexual, in my shock I didn't pursue further explanation (I was on probation after some bad behavior of my own). After a weekend of me and my girlfriend M repeating the phrase "I've dated men, but I don't like dick" over and over again in astonishment, I decided to ask him for further explanation. At this point he reneged and said he was just trying to freak me out and see how I react to unexpected things. The evidence I have to his bisexuality are as follows:

• Myspace post from another guy addressed to "Hey Sexy"....but ending in "bro"
  
• a flirtatious calendar appointment to another guy with the subject "I want to be near you.....physically"
  
• he once told a mutual friend that he was planning an elaborate dinner for a guy he had meet and was waiting for the guy to call him
  
• feminine mannerisms

I questioned him several times more during our "relationship" about this subject, each time he vehemently denied any activity or sexual interest in other men. So I am left with the question, is he gay (no), straight (maybe) or bi (most likely).

Letting go of you

Passion pain fury love
Darkness light dreams fight
Up and down rollercoaster ride
Turmoil boiling inside
Holding on letting go
Wrong right I don’t know
Give me time give me space
To make sense of this waste