Beautiful Boy

When I first saw you, you immediately reminded me of someone from my past, someone I'd known as a child. There was just something about you. You came up and introduced yourself, I took notice, if only for a moment cause my mind was all wrapped up around something else at the time, someone else. It wasn't until months later that we had our first date. That night, you were perfect, there was nothing, absolutely nothing that wasn't done just right. Even my dog loved you from the first moment. You were a perfect match to my subconscious checklist, and it was icing on the cake that you were absolutely beautiful to look at, yet you seemed (at first) to be completely unaware of it. I didn't get swept away though, don't get me wrong, I'm jaded enough not to let that happen (or even have the ability to allow it to). I liked you. I really liked you. At last, a glove that fit. I had been waiting for so long. I liked that you seemed insecure and unsure of yourself even though outwardly you had it completely going on. I liked that you took your job seriously (where the last one just seemed so lax about his). I liked that you (like me) had an unusual background. Check, check, check went my subconscious. Those few weeks were happy ones for me, it had been a long time since I felt that way and I liked it. But we only lasted a few months, you admitted you weren't ready for a relationship and so we parted ways. I always knew you would come back though, I knew we had unfinished business. And, so it went, I carried on. Occasionally we'd email, text. Just when I'd started to forget you. Just when the memory of your beautiful face was starting to fade, you reappeared. It'd been months, and I was happy to see you. And so we had our second chance, the one I'd been waiting for at first, the one I'd let go of eventually. This time, I was going to do things differently. This time I was going to let you see the edgier side of me. So I busied myself and busied us around activities, around surprising you. Every time one event past, I was busy planning the next. If I kept things moving, we stood a chance. Deep down I knew we wouldn't last, but at the same time I hoped that we'd last long enough. But it wasn't to be. I'm not angry at you for what happened. I'm past that. Should you have been honest? Yes. Should I have not rushed us? Yes. Am I sad that once again, as abruptly as you returned, you are gone? Yes. But I thank you for reminding me that I have the ability to feel this way, thank you for reminding me that it can happen. Thank you for helping me let go of something that had a terrible hold on me (that something that was bothering me the night we met). That is gone completely now. I'm gonna miss you for a while. I'll miss that beautiful face. But I know now that it will happen again, someday, when I least expect it to, someone will come and sweep me away.

Intervention

Has it really gone that far that I need an intervention? I don't know. Its definitely fucked with my head, that's for sure. But, I'm not in denial (at least not anymore). I know its not healthy, I know I have to put an end to this for good. I know it!! I just need to find a practical way of applying this knowledge. "Just don't talk to him" - it's never that easy! Especially when I still L-O-V-E the guy (that sounds so corny and stupid, but unfortunately its true). Then there's the whole work issue; I am required to talk to him when it comes to the work that we do. And, my pain in the arse Type A personality drives me to go full force after the things that I want, not in my nature to be and let be. Then there's my love of falling into old habits - its just so, so easy for me, I love the comfort of the old and familiar. Being a single gal, we do get lonely now and then ....his hugs are so comforting, his voice/laugh so familiar. My dumb-dumb thought process goes something like this....One lunch - won't hurt! An innocent gchat conversation - what's the harm in that! A little snuggle - never hurt a soul! Outcome = BING-BANG-BOOM back to square one all over again!! Dear Lord, I have absolutely no self-control, pretty much none whatsoever. Maybe its true, maybe only an intervention can help me...or maybe all I need is time.

Not Fugly Enough

I've pondered the question for so very long....why? why? The answer sooooooo simply. The first, uglier than sin! The second, not so ugly just aged. The third, long in the face and dresses like Jan Brady. Enough said!

new season = new beginnings + new boots!

It's official! Our extremely short, dreadful little Boston summer is now over. The smell of fall is in the air! I'm extremely happy about this for oh so many reasons. First, I'm happy that this year's miserable summer has come to an end, there was nothing special about it, nothing memorable (or, at least, nothing I wish to remember). The weather sucked. My life, for the most part, sucked. I was disappointed by the actions of a few, some caught me by surprise, but that is a topic for another day. And, that brings me to the second reason I am happy for the new season, the smell of change is in the air! And, I am welcoming it with open arms. I'm embracing the possibilities of new faces, new places, new experiences and new things. My condo is anew and in a state of transformation, new hardwood floors, new paint, new sofa (being delivered in 6 - 8 weeks), new look, new feel. Third reason, is simply boots! I adore boots in all shapes and sizes ranging from hooker boots (which I have yet to own) to knee high boots to booties. I like sleek stylish boots, comfy boots and maybe even cowboy boots. I love to wear them with jeans, skinny fit or boot cut, or with a skirt and leggings. I just adore leggings and boots.....love em, love em, love em. Welcome fall! I missed you!

amazing weekend

I think I've been proven wrong....

if its broke, how many times do you try to fix it?

In relationships/life how many times do you try to fix something? You always hope that the outcome will somehow be different, better than it was before. In your minds eye, you hold onto a picture of how things could be, if only this, or if only that. You hold on not because of the reality, but because of that picture of how you hope and dream things will be. But, the reality has never even been close to what you wanted or dreamt of. Sometimes you have to put away your hopeless romantic, and let the realist take over. The realist will keep you from suffering endlessly for a dream, a hope that will never come true. The realist will let you see that some times walking away is truly the best option.

My Prayer (Disclaimer: Religious Post)

God, give me the strenght to accept the things I can not change. Help me to understand and forgive those who have hurt me. Help me to let go and release the pain that binds me. Lead me to the new doors you have opened for me, allow me to see the new possiblities life has to offer. Give me strenght, courage and wisdom to deal with all the hurdles that come my way. That is my prayer Lord, heavenly Father. Amen.