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Tough Day

Having a tough day today, don't really know whats going on with me. I guess my post break-up haircut high is winding down.

The Dating Game Part Duex

So I am talking to this other guy TC, I met him on POF. Just emailing back and forth, he happens to be a pilot, travels all over. At the time we first started chatting, I was looking for someone to maybe go out on a date with, trying to forget or move on from b2 as quickly as I could. Now that I have realized going out with other men is just making me like b2 more, and that I obviously need a break from the dating scene, I've changed strategies. I am no longer actively looking, instead I am planning on focusing on me for a while and if I am to go out with someone than it will be only with someone I feel I am compatible with and we are on the same page. So being that TC is constantly traveling, that wouldn't work. One of my requirements is residency in Boston, otherwise I don't see why I should even bother, its just not going to work, plain and simple, no need to waste anyone's time. So TC found me on Facebook, he then suggested that we move forward to telephone conversations. I replied and told him that I thought things were ok as is for now (emails, facebook). Well he didn't take to that so well and he wrote me somewhat of a nastigram, beginning with the word "whatever". Whatever you! Ok Buddy, whatever to you! But seriously, whatever cause I'm just weeding out the bad ones with absolutely no investment (emotional or otherwise) on my part. Thanks b2 you have made me a stronger, wiser woman.

The Dating Game

So in late August when some Chicago friends were visiting, we ended up at a random Irish bar downtown by chance. That night I met TJ. He was the tallest guy at the bar and he offered to buy me and my friend C a drink, however, he did it just as I was handing the money over to the bartender (at that moment, I labeled him cheap). We talked for a bit and he seemed nice enough, and he was cute so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him. Two weeks later I get a random text asking if I would like to meet for drinks. After asking him to "refresh my memory" as to who he was, I then remembered "yes, the tall guy with the blue shirt." So we met at CBC two weeks ago on a Friday. He met my friend C, who was there with her on-again/0ff-again (understatement) boyfriend. He also got to meet L, who was on a first date herself. We had a pretty good time, and I was pleased to find out we share the same political views (the presidential debate was on that night). (On a side note, I would not date anyone who is voting for McCain/Palin, no fucking way.) So we chit-chatted into the night and closed down the place, we then headed over to the Middle East (I was secretly wishing to run into b2 since its a total hipster doofus hangout). After closing the Middle East, he drove me to where I was parked, I quickly gave him a prudish hug and off I went. The next day, he eagerly texts that he wants to see me again very soon (the chase is on). I suggest the following Friday a) because I'm looking to take things slow b) spreading out my dates means another Friday night not spent with my Yorkie and a Redbox movie and c) I had 3 zits on my cheek that I was waiting to clear up. (Side note: I don't usually break out but I recently tried to get off the pill - side effect equals acne - no thanks, I guess I'm a lifer).

Following Friday, we have sushi in the South End then meet his friends to watch the Red Sox game near Fenway. After the game, he drives me to my car in Brighton (I had left it parked at my friend P's place earlier that night). During the drive from the Fenway area to Comm Ave he suggests dropping me off at my place cause he's been drinking and probably shouldn't be driving around (OK -- Sure buddy, my place is 7 miles away, while Comm Ave/Brighton is less than a mile -- Nice try!). I offer to drive, but he says he's ok. So we arrive at the car and he leans in for a kiss (I am not feeling this). He hasn't done anything to turn me off (except the fake drink offer the first night and the not so slick attempt to get an invite to my place [laughable]). So I give him a demure peck on the lips. Sensing his disappointment, I decide this is the perfect moment to just lay my cards on the table. I'm like, listen.... here's my deal, I just got hurt big time, blindsided by this guy I thought was the greatest, nicest person in the world. I am only interested in dating people who are on the same page as me, that is men who are looking for a relationship. I'm not interested in anyone who is looking for casual dating/casual sex (cause to me there's nothing casual about sex). I don't want anyone to come into my life that plans on hurting me, deceiving me or causing me emotional pain...and, I'm looking to take things very, very slow and really get to know someone, blah, blah, blah...it ALL came out. He just looked at me (looking suddenly stone sober) and stumbling on his words as he makes an awkward attempt to reassure me that we are indeed on the same page, etc. I then say, "well I think I've said too much, its time to call it a night." He leans in again for a kiss, and gets another peck (yup, that's right, I meant what I said). After my experience with b2 I can clearly identify men in pursuit mode (aka fake mode) as my guy friend M put it. Its as if the blinders have been lifted (only took 33 years, but in my own defense I spent 12 years w/b1 so I am in many ways a dating novice). I drive off that night and figure I won't being hearing from TJ again. Tonight he sent me an email, looks like I didn't scare him away.....go figure!

2 Steps forward, One Step back

So, I'd been doing really well, starting to finally move out of the anger phase and just into the whatever phase. Went on a good date with a cute guy (a tall guy). Had a very nice little dinner party with the girls (sangria/mexican night). All along feeling a sadness, but it was lessening and the anger had definitely subsided. I had to contact him for work stuff, a couple of times...I was hesitant, but it was necessary. He was polite and extremely helpful, so than that's when it happened, I just started to really miss him. Not the asshole him, just the side of him that would chat with me all day on gchat and make me laugh and share really cool things --- that side. It wasn't even a romantic thing really, just more on the lines of friendship. And, so I talked to him a few times on email and he seemed to respond though a little hesitant, I told him some really funny things, and he shared something interesting with me about a woman at work that I don't particularly care for. So things were going along nicely, I was feeling better. Spirits lifted....and then, I had to do it...I sent him an email on gchat. Just like hey thanks for being cool at work, sorry about all the stuff a few weeks ago, its been hard for me, that's really it. Nothing much to it, just one small paragraph. And, then, nothing....he never wrote back, never responded. I don't know why it hurts so badly but it just does. I shouldn't have ever apologized for anything, I felt bad about how I reacted to his horrible behavior, but in reality he is the one that needs to apologize. He is the one who hurt me and evidence is mounting towards it being deliberate and calculated. But anyhow, I did it to myself so I have to accept what I did, 2 steps forward, one step back.