Femme Fatale Boston

Beautiful Boy

2010-09-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

When I first saw you, you immediately reminded me of someone from my past, someone I'd known as a child. There was just something about you. You came up and introduced yourself, I took notice, if only for a moment cause my mind was all wrapped up around something else at the time, someone else. It wasn't until months later that we had our first date. That night, you were perfect, there was nothing, absolutely nothing that wasn't done just right. Even my dog loved you from the first moment. You were a perfect match to my subconscious checklist, and it was icing on the cake that you were absolutely beautiful to look at, yet you seemed (at first) to be completely unaware of it. I didn't get swept away though, don't get me wrong, I'm jaded enough not to let that happen (or even have the ability to allow it to). I liked you. I really liked you. At last, a glove that fit. I had been waiting for so long. I liked that you seemed insecure and unsure of yourself even though outwardly you had it completely going on. I liked that you took your job seriously (where the last one just seemed so lax about his). I liked that you (like me) had an unusual background. Check, check, check went my subconscious. Those few weeks were happy ones for me, it had been a long time since I felt that way and I liked it. But we only lasted a few months, you admitted you weren't ready for a relationship and so we parted ways. I always knew you would come back though, I knew we had unfinished business. And, so it went, I carried on. Occasionally we'd email, text. Just when I'd started to forget you. Just when the memory of your beautiful face was starting to fade, you reappeared. It'd been months, and I was happy to see you. And so we had our second chance, the one I'd been waiting for at first, the one I'd let go of eventually. This time, I was going to do things differently. This time I was going to let you see the edgier side of me. So I busied myself and busied us around activities, around surprising you. Every time one event past, I was busy planning the next. If I kept things moving, we stood a chance. Deep down I knew we wouldn't last, but at the same time I hoped that we'd last long enough. But it wasn't to be. I'm not angry at you for what happened. I'm past that. Should you have been honest? Yes. Should I have not rushed us? Yes. Am I sad that once again, as abruptly as you returned, you are gone? Yes. But I thank you for reminding me that I have the ability to feel this way, thank you for reminding me that it can happen. Thank you for helping me let go of something that had a terrible hold on me (that something that was bothering me the night we met). That is gone completely now. I'm gonna miss you for a while. I'll miss that beautiful face. But I know now that it will happen again, someday, when I least expect it to, someone will come and sweep me away.

Intervention

2009-12-02T08:06:00.001-08:00

Has it really gone that far that I need an intervention? I don't know. Its definitely fucked with my head, that's for sure. But, I'm not in denial (at least not anymore). I know its not healthy, I know I have to put an end to this for good. I know it!! I just need to find a practical way of applying this knowledge. "Just don't talk to him" - it's never that easy! Especially when I still L-O-V-E the guy (that sounds so corny and stupid, but unfortunately its true). Then there's the whole work issue; I am required to talk to him when it comes to the work that we do. And, my pain in the arse Type A personality drives me to go full force after the things that I want, not in my nature to be and let be. Then there's my love of falling into old habits - its just so, so easy for me, I love the comfort of the old and familiar. Being a single gal, we do get lonely now and then ....his hugs are so comforting, his voice/laugh so familiar. My dumb-dumb thought process goes something like this....One lunch - won't hurt! An innocent gchat conversation - what's the harm in that! A little snuggle - never hurt a soul! Outcome = BING-BANG-BOOM back to square one all over again!! Dear Lord, I have absolutely no self-control, pretty much none whatsoever. Maybe its true, maybe only an intervention can help me...or maybe all I need is time.

Not Fugly Enough

2009-11-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

I've pondered the question for so very long....why? why? The answer sooooooo simply. The first, uglier than sin! The second, not so ugly just aged. The third, long in the face and dresses like Jan Brady. Enough said!

new season = new beginnings + new boots!

2009-09-13T05:35:00.000-07:00

It's official! Our extremely short, dreadful little Boston summer is now over. The smell of fall is in the air! I'm extremely happy about this for oh so many reasons. First, I'm happy that this year's miserable summer has come to an end, there was nothing special about it, nothing memorable (or, at least, nothing I wish to remember). The weather sucked. My life, for the most part, sucked. I was disappointed by the actions of a few, some caught me by surprise, but that is a topic for another day. And, that brings me to the second reason I am happy for the new season, the smell of change is in the air! And, I am welcoming it with open arms. I'm embracing the possibilities of new faces, new places, new experiences and new things. My condo is anew and in a state of transformation, new hardwood floors, new paint, new sofa (being delivered in 6 - 8 weeks), new look, new feel. Third reason, is simply boots! I adore boots in all shapes and sizes ranging from hooker boots (which I have yet to own) to knee high boots to booties. I like sleek stylish boots, comfy boots and maybe even cowboy boots. I love to wear them with jeans, skinny fit or boot cut, or with a skirt and leggings. I just adore leggings and boots.....love em, love em, love em. Welcome fall! I missed you!

amazing weekend

2009-08-24T06:45:00.000-07:00

I think I've been proven wrong....

if its broke, how many times do you try to fix it?

2009-07-29T04:57:00.000-07:00

In relationships/life how many times do you try to fix something? You always hope that the outcome will somehow be different, better than it was before. In your minds eye, you hold onto a picture of how things could be, if only this, or if only that. You hold on not because of the reality, but because of that picture of how you hope and dream things will be. But, the reality has never even been close to what you wanted or dreamt of. Sometimes you have to put away your hopeless romantic, and let the realist take over. The realist will keep you from suffering endlessly for a dream, a hope that will never come true. The realist will let you see that some times walking away is truly the best option.

My Prayer (Disclaimer: Religious Post)

2009-07-08T18:29:00.000-07:00

God, give me the strenght to accept the things I can not change. Help me to understand and forgive those who have hurt me. Help me to let go and release the pain that binds me. Lead me to the new doors you have opened for me, allow me to see the new possiblities life has to offer. Give me strenght, courage and wisdom to deal with all the hurdles that come my way. That is my prayer Lord, heavenly Father. Amen.

Babie Post...again

2009-07-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

So I finally decided to stop putting off Babie's oral surgery. I'd been putting it off for two years. I'd say, ok with my tax money, or with my bonus I'll do the surgery, and two years later, I still hadn't done it. This year, I was consumed with guilt when the doctor brought it up during Babie's rabies vaccine visit, so much so that I finally agreed to get it done. The estimate was now up to a whopping $625-700. That was in addition to the $209 I paid for the examination, rabies shot, 6-months of heart worm meds, and blood work. Babie's surgery was yesterday and luckily it went really well. And, to my wallet's relief it was only $450. I guess her teeth were in better shape then they had expected. I did get a little added bonus too. She came home last night with a bandaged right paw (where the IV had been). I was told not to remove the bandage until I got home. To my surprise, when I did remove the bandage, they had completely shaved the entire paw, all around, front to back. Was that really necessary? And, why didn't they tell me? I know! Probably because they suspected I was vain, which they are completely right, I am vain. I like my puppy looking gorgeous with a beautiful shiny black and brown coat (and anyone who has seen Babie will agree she has one heck of a coat). But anyway, the important thing is the procedure is done, her teeth are pearly white (really white - I was able to peek in there just a bit - though she's reluctant to have anything near her mouth so the weekly cleanings should be a joy) and she is back to acting like her bubbly little self (minus fur on one paw). Pics to follow...

Babie

2009-06-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

I've neglected you, my little ball of fuzzy fur. You are my truest of friends and you are always so happy to see me walk through the door. I vow from this day forward to give you more attention, to teach you not to bark at strangers, to take you out for long walks in the park and watch you hop around like a little bunny. I love you my dear little friend.

When life gives you lemons, get a haircut!

2009-06-24T09:16:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks of my life have been filled with disappointments, stress, anxiety, backstabbing and bullshit. Its come at me from all directions, work, love life, condo, friends, great ones, crappy ones...of course, I have been down....who wouldn't be!!

But its time to start turning things around. There's always going to be the EGS's and the CM's, the BE's of this world. I turn my back to you and I say fuck off! You're blocked and done.

So, on to the fabulous life of me....and my new haircut, options displayed.

Loyalty

2009-06-23T18:34:00.001-07:00

I remember long ago when I rented the place in Florida and the girl in
the office was rude to me. You went in there to straighten things
out. She told you that I had called her a bitch. Your response to
her, " well, you must have done something to deserve it." Best
response ever! You had my back, no matter what. Maybe I should'nt
have called her a bitch, maybe I could have handlled it better but no
matter, your loyalty remained with me. Thanks for that. I'll always
remember that. Loyalty like that is hard to come by these days. It
doesn't take much for people to forget the nice things you've done, or the times you've gone out of your way. Seems these days
people forget kindness quickly and are just as quick to turn
against you.

--
Sent from my mobile device

anger and hatred

2009-06-19T19:30:00.001-07:00

I find that when I am experiencing severe emotional pain, I am much more willing to hate and much less tolerant of those who have wronged me in the past. Its as if all the grudges I've let go of resurface again. If the true judge of character is based on how a person behaves during times of adversity, then I'm clearly not as nice of a person as I like to think I am. I am so annoyed right now by people like CM, ES-G, EO...but mostly ES-G, I just hate that bitch. She is the true meaning of the word bitch; if you were to look up the word in the dictionary, there should be a picture of her right beside that word. ES-G, the big bitch! The first time I ever laid eyes on her name (she used to be just ES) was in an email. I'd never seen her, had no idea who she was. I remember her extremely rude response to a friendly email from a mutual coworker. It was a harmless email, a just-for-fun kinda email. She responded in such a harsh evil way, that I remember distinctly thinking, "who is this bitch?". Later I would meet her, live and in person. Being the nice person that I am (I think I am), I decided not to judge ES by my first introduction to her (the evil bitch email). I decided to let that go. Later ES wouldn't be so kind to me. Later ES would unleash her evil venom. Then ES (now ES-G) would bare a child. Then I would again be a nice person and attempt to look at ES-G as a "mother", but you know what she's just an EVIL BITCH. That poor kid!

this is so cool

2009-06-19T19:14:00.001-07:00

test test test

2009-06-19T19:10:00.001-07:00

I'm testing a new feature

men with kids, need not apply

2009-06-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

It took me a really, really long time to come to this conclusion....I don't want to date anyone who has kids. I tried oh so hard to be fair or what I thought was being "fair"....I thought "I should give you a chance if you have a kid", "I shouldn't write you off, if you have a kid", "I might miss out on a great guy, if I rule out men with kids". But the "ugly" truth is I don't want a kid right now, and that means that anyone who has kids is just not for me. Plus the man in question (the one with the kids) I was never attracted to in the first place. He's a nice guy, at least what I know of him (after the "lies, sex and cello" incident, I trust no one). But whatever, bottom line is I DON'T WANT KIDS, so if you got kids.............NEXT!! (When I am ready for dating again that is, cause I'm not ready right now, the LSC incident is still too fresh)

truth will set you free

2009-06-15T17:32:00.000-07:00

For a very long time, I was under your spell. Did what you wanted, obeyed, allowed you to control me. Well, the bubble has burst and now I'm done with all that. Its time to reveal to the world what type of scum you truly are. You cheated, you lied, you manipulated. Now she knows the truth and I am so glad. I am sorry that I was apart of your games, and that I allowed you to play me the way you did. But I am oh so happy now that she knows and she no longer speaks to you, its EXACTLY what you deserve, if not more. If there weren't laws against it, I would spit in your face and kick you right where it counts. But I can't. So instead I will laugh at you. Are you sad cause your precious hates you? Can you hear that? Yeah, its the sound of the world's smallest cello playing just for you! Maybe if you were a stand up guy, none of this would have happened. Maybe if you were mature, none of this would have happened. If you had any morals or values, none of this would have happened. I'm sure you have concocted a story to tell, one that makes me look like the bad one, perhaps I tricked you, or entrapped you, or tripped and fell on your d*ck. Hahaha!! I'm sure you have quit a story to tell. Doesn't matter asshole, cause those who are important to me, know the truth. You should be ashamed of yourself. I hope you are crying yourself to sleep at night, cause that is what you deserve. I've been accused of a few things in my life, but being unfair/unjust is not one of them. I am very fair, and very just and I am certain you deserve any emotional pain you are in at the moment. Maybe this world is fair after all!!

Day 2

2009-01-20T08:51:00.001-08:00

I'm in much better spirits today, but its still not easy.

Day 1

2009-01-19T07:28:00.000-08:00

Maybe I woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, maybe its all the snow that I'm sick of cleaning off the car....but I'm in a rare mood today. I'm super bitchy and ready to bite someone's (anyone's) head off. Oh, and its Day 1.

Venting

2009-01-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

I just want to take the glass elevator to the top floor of this building, lean over the glass railing and yell at the top of my lungs...

"You're an ASSHOLE!!!!!!!!!"

You're an insensitive, selfish, deceitful, immoral PIG! Go fuck yourself!!

Delightful December

2008-12-02T19:06:00.000-08:00

This month has started off perfectly. So much to look forward to, so much excitement, and its Christmas time. I'm so happy.

Sunday Indulgence

2008-11-23T17:10:00.000-08:00

After spending a few hours watching the Thanksgiving specials on the Food Network, I had an intense craving for Indian pudding. I've never had it, but it looked like something I would really enjoy. Here is the recipe I decided to follow after a little online research. I added a few of my own modifications and I am happy to report that it turned out delightful.

Femme Fetale Boston's Indian Pudding Recipe:

2-1/2 cups whole milk

3 Tbsp. cornmeal (yellow)

1/2 cup molasses (dark)

2 Tbsp. butter

2 eggs

1/2 tsp. ground cinnamon

1/4 tsp. ground nutmeg

2 Tbsp. brown sugar

1 tsp. vanilla extract

pinch of salt

Set oven to 300 degrees F.

Pour milk into medium-large saucepan and heat over medium-high heat just until milk is scalding (tiny bubbles will appear around the edge). Watch carefully so milk does not boil.

Add cornmeal, one Tbsp. at a time, stirring after each addition to prevent lumps from forming. Add molasses and butter. Reduce heat under saucepan to low and cook mixture 10-15 minutes, stirring frequently, until thickened. (Tip: You want it still pouring consistency and not as thick as instant pudding.)

In a medium-size mixing bowl, beat eggs with a wire whisk. Add cinammon, nutmeg, vanilla extract, brown sugar and salt. Whisk. Add this mixture to your saucepan slowly as not to cook eggs with the hot mix.

Butter a one-quart casserole dish or other deep baking dish. Pour mix into casserole dish and bake at 300 degrees F for 45 minutes.

Serve Indian pudding warm. Traditionally, heavy cream is poured over the top, however I chose a scoop of vanilla bean ice-cream.

Enjoy!

Uneventful November

2008-11-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

This month was spent working, many, many long hours. The strange thing is that I enjoyed it. I became engrossed in it and it gave me a break from everything and everyone, including a break from my own thoughts and emotions. I was just living each day with a goal in mind, to finish as much work as I could for the day. Driven, determined, goal-oriented and focused. This felt so much more like me, I felt more like myself than I have in a long time. It was good for me in many ways. Oh, one thing to note about November, the cold has reminded me how much I love red wine in the winter. My new favorite, shiraz. Nothing like a glass of shiraz to take the shivers away and finish off the day.

2008-11-01T08:53:00.001-07:00

New rules to live by written in stone (figuratively speaking)
1. Don’t discuss or inquire about b2 (who gives a shit!)
2. Never call b1, ever, for any reason
3. Cut C out of my life as much as possible
4. Trust gut feeling
5. Don’t react emotionally (think think first)

i love you

2008-10-30T19:41:00.001-07:00

just incase you ever wondered

Tough Day

2008-10-16T13:54:00.000-07:00

Having a tough day today, don't really know whats going on with me. I guess my post break-up haircut high is winding down.

The Dating Game Part Duex

2008-10-15T10:15:00.001-07:00

So I am talking to this other guy TC, I met him on POF. Just emailing back and forth, he happens to be a pilot, travels all over. At the time we first started chatting, I was looking for someone to maybe go out on a date with, trying to forget or move on from b2 as quickly as I could. Now that I have realized going out with other men is just making me like b2 more, and that I obviously need a break from the dating scene, I've changed strategies. I am no longer actively looking, instead I am planning on focusing on me for a while and if I am to go out with someone than it will be only with someone I feel I am compatible with and we are on the same page. So being that TC is constantly traveling, that wouldn't work. One of my requirements is residency in Boston, otherwise I don't see why I should even bother, its just not going to work, plain and simple, no need to waste anyone's time. So TC found me on Facebook, he then suggested that we move forward to telephone conversations. I replied and told him that I thought things were ok as is for now (emails, facebook). Well he didn't take to that so well and he wrote me somewhat of a nastigram, beginning with the word "whatever". Whatever you! Ok Buddy, whatever to you! But seriously, whatever cause I'm just weeding out the bad ones with absolutely no investment (emotional or otherwise) on my part. Thanks b2 you have made me a stronger, wiser woman.

The Dating Game

2008-10-08T17:34:00.000-07:00

So in late August when some Chicago friends were visiting, we ended up at a random Irish bar downtown by chance. That night I met TJ. He was the tallest guy at the bar and he offered to buy me and my friend C a drink, however, he did it just as I was handing the money over to the bartender (at that moment, I labeled him cheap). We talked for a bit and he seemed nice enough, and he was cute so when he asked for my number, I gave it to him. Two weeks later I get a random text asking if I would like to meet for drinks. After asking him to "refresh my memory" as to who he was, I then remembered "yes, the tall guy with the blue shirt." So we met at CBC two weeks ago on a Friday. He met my friend C, who was there with her on-again/0ff-again (understatement) boyfriend. He also got to meet L, who was on a first date herself. We had a pretty good time, and I was pleased to find out we share the same political views (the presidential debate was on that night). (On a side note, I would not date anyone who is voting for McCain/Palin, no fucking way.) So we chit-chatted into the night and closed down the place, we then headed over to the Middle East (I was secretly wishing to run into b2 since its a total hipster doofus hangout). After closing the Middle East, he drove me to where I was parked, I quickly gave him a prudish hug and off I went. The next day, he eagerly texts that he wants to see me again very soon (the chase is on). I suggest the following Friday a) because I'm looking to take things slow b) spreading out my dates means another Friday night not spent with my Yorkie and a Redbox movie and c) I had 3 zits on my cheek that I was waiting to clear up. (Side note: I don't usually break out but I recently tried to get off the pill - side effect equals acne - no thanks, I guess I'm a lifer).

Following Friday, we have sushi in the South End then meet his friends to watch the Red Sox game near Fenway. After the game, he drives me to my car in Brighton (I had left it parked at my friend P's place earlier that night). During the drive from the Fenway area to Comm Ave he suggests dropping me off at my place cause he's been drinking and probably shouldn't be driving around (OK -- Sure buddy, my place is 7 miles away, while Comm Ave/Brighton is less than a mile -- Nice try!). I offer to drive, but he says he's ok. So we arrive at the car and he leans in for a kiss (I am not feeling this). He hasn't done anything to turn me off (except the fake drink offer the first night and the not so slick attempt to get an invite to my place [laughable]). So I give him a demure peck on the lips. Sensing his disappointment, I decide this is the perfect moment to just lay my cards on the table. I'm like, listen.... here's my deal, I just got hurt big time, blindsided by this guy I thought was the greatest, nicest person in the world. I am only interested in dating people who are on the same page as me, that is men who are looking for a relationship. I'm not interested in anyone who is looking for casual dating/casual sex (cause to me there's nothing casual about sex). I don't want anyone to come into my life that plans on hurting me, deceiving me or causing me emotional pain...and, I'm looking to take things very, very slow and really get to know someone, blah, blah, blah...it ALL came out. He just looked at me (looking suddenly stone sober) and stumbling on his words as he makes an awkward attempt to reassure me that we are indeed on the same page, etc. I then say, "well I think I've said too much, its time to call it a night." He leans in again for a kiss, and gets another peck (yup, that's right, I meant what I said). After my experience with b2 I can clearly identify men in pursuit mode (aka fake mode) as my guy friend M put it. Its as if the blinders have been lifted (only took 33 years, but in my own defense I spent 12 years w/b1 so I am in many ways a dating novice). I drive off that night and figure I won't being hearing from TJ again. Tonight he sent me an email, looks like I didn't scare him away.....go figure!

2 Steps forward, One Step back

2008-10-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

So, I'd been doing really well, starting to finally move out of the anger phase and just into the whatever phase. Went on a good date with a cute guy (a tall guy). Had a very nice little dinner party with the girls (sangria/mexican night). All along feeling a sadness, but it was lessening and the anger had definitely subsided. I had to contact him for work stuff, a couple of times...I was hesitant, but it was necessary. He was polite and extremely helpful, so than that's when it happened, I just started to really miss him. Not the asshole him, just the side of him that would chat with me all day on gchat and make me laugh and share really cool things --- that side. It wasn't even a romantic thing really, just more on the lines of friendship. And, so I talked to him a few times on email and he seemed to respond though a little hesitant, I told him some really funny things, and he shared something interesting with me about a woman at work that I don't particularly care for. So things were going along nicely, I was feeling better. Spirits lifted....and then, I had to do it...I sent him an email on gchat. Just like hey thanks for being cool at work, sorry about all the stuff a few weeks ago, its been hard for me, that's really it. Nothing much to it, just one small paragraph. And, then, nothing....he never wrote back, never responded. I don't know why it hurts so badly but it just does. I shouldn't have ever apologized for anything, I felt bad about how I reacted to his horrible behavior, but in reality he is the one that needs to apologize. He is the one who hurt me and evidence is mounting towards it being deliberate and calculated. But anyhow, I did it to myself so I have to accept what I did, 2 steps forward, one step back.

Ok...so, partial forgiveness

2008-09-25T16:49:00.000-07:00

I am letting some of it go as best I can at the mo', but I just couldn't help but make you squirm a little today, cause afterall, you deserve it. Yee shall reap what yee sowed.

forgiveness

2008-09-25T07:39:00.000-07:00

Letting it go, its not worth the turmoil it brings my heart. To hate you, to despise you, to tear you apart. You are a person, such as I am. You make mistakes, I make mistakes. You hurt me, I forgive you. I just want to be happy.

On a brighter note....my GPS should be arriving today! Yay!

Anger Phase

2008-09-24T14:32:00.000-07:00

I've now entered the next phase of getting over b2, anger, which I'm not really proud of, to be honest. I'm just glad that I'm making progress, so in a way its good. I am starting to really hate him, like despise him. Well, let me be clear, I don't truly hate anyone (if I saw b2 trapped in a burning car or something, I'd probably help pull him out, I guess because I am a decent human being), but I really don't like his behavior and I'm really angry about the way he treated me. In one word it was just --- wrong! I know that I have myself partly to blame for it, as the saying goes "people treat you the way you allow them to". Yes, I know, I know. I guess, being me, I just never would do that to another person, the things he did, the things he said. Today, I filled in my guy friend M on what happened with b2 and he, like pretty much everyone else who has heard the saga, was completely shocked by b2's behavior. No one expected that of him. Its like he was feeding his ego by making me feel bad, really bad, and he took pleasure in it. It was cruel and unusual punishment that I wouldn't dole out to my worst enemy.

I returned the bear today, I put him back on the edge of the cube where asshole, I mean, b2 sits. Its better to just return anything that belongs to him or is in anyway associated with him. There is truly no reason for contact anymore, unless it is a work-related matter - even that I am trying my best to minimize. Its just not fair that he is fine right now, completely unaffected, going about his business and working on his music. While I am left a mess - hurt, angry and picking up the pieces.

Happy Birthday

2008-09-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

Its your birthday today. I hope wherever you are, your having a wonderful day. I miss you, and I love you. Thank you for loving me as much as you did, I'll always cherish our good memories. Looking back now, I can see how much you cared and how much you were there for me through so many years....I'm sorry. I'll always love you. Happy Birthday...

Shitty Day

2008-09-22T09:28:00.000-07:00

For the record, today officially sucks. Reasons why:

1) Its Monday
2) Its gloomy out
3) I have 3 zits on my cheek
4) I feel exhausted even though I stayed in most of the weekend
5) I can't get you out of my head

Quote

2008-09-22T07:48:00.001-07:00

"strike before, replace it with more"....b2

Seeing through you...

2008-09-22T07:15:00.001-07:00

Its so funny how different people deal with things so differently. I always saw you as mature, wise beyond your years, but I'm really starting to see how immature you truly are. So I spent this weekend in solitude trying to learn something from my painful experience with you. As much as I want to look at it in a positive light (i.e. b2 helped me get over b1), the reality is I just traded one hurt for another. I was well on my way in getting over b1 and was doing pretty damn good, it was twelve years after all, couldn't have expected myself to get over it overnight --- I certainly didn't need you to come along with all your false promises. You gave me a taste of something I had so dearly missed and my heart had longed for, only to rip it right out from under me again. Now your off in NYC, getting your comfort. Call it woman's intuition but I know exactly why you went and what you are doing there. It just proves to me how immature and disrespectful of a person you are. Hope you have a wonderful time!

P.S. I'm so tempted to burn your bear.

Serenity in my Solitude

2008-09-21T09:20:00.000-07:00

I just want to wallow in it, this feeling of letting you go. In my time alone, I am accepting that you are not and have never been the one for me. This time is different from all the times before that I have walked away, cause this time I mean it. There is finality to this; I feel it in my core. Now I’m just waiting to get through this final stage of letting go completely, understanding, healing and finally moving on. I see now how our lifestyles just don’t match up, how different we are. How we think differently, see the world differently, and in many respects we come from and exist in two very different worlds. Our only true parallel is our employer and our work. If it was not for that, I don’t think we would have ever crossed paths or even noticed each other in the course of our daily lives. We have very little in common; the few things we do share are not enough to sustain a relationship. I wasn’t even comfortable around you, I couldn’t even be myself. We were just all wrong.

Excited!

2008-09-20T07:50:00.000-07:00

Ordered my TomTom XL 330 GPS receiver today! I used my amex reward points and only had to pay $80 for it (reg. price $199-249). Bargain! No more getting lost for me!! Yay!

Friends, Fajitas and Margaritas

2008-09-20T06:09:00.001-07:00

Last night I had dinner at Margaritas in Waltham with two girlfriends, T and K. I hadn't seen T in so very long and she is expecting. She's all belly which is how I hope to be when/if I am ever with child. Dinner was really good and I had an unusually big appetite, its 9am and I can still feel the food in my stomach (I don't really like this feeling, cause I feel like I should skip breakfast and I love breakfast). Anyway, dinner was really good and worth the calories. So topic of conversation, of course, men. Inevitably I spent my fair share of time discussing B2 and why he was never good for me to begin with, etc, etc. I can't wait until I am past this stage and I no longer need to discuss, rehash, and reassure myself about B2. He wasn't good for me and that's it, no need to analyze further (rational side), but my emotional side wants to cover/uncover ever last detail. OK, so back to dinner, it was superb, girl talk was good, we had fried ice cream for dessert and I drove all the way home listening to Britney Spears (yeah, that's right, I like her and I don't give a fuck, if it makes you feel better I listened to Alicia Keys on the way there). So speaking of expecting....I still have that funny feeling in my belly...I hope its just my nerves.

Untitled....

2008-09-19T20:57:00.000-07:00

I need time, I need space, I need love, I need life. I'm trying to figure things out, exploring. I wonder was it me that drove you away. I can be intense, I agree. I can explode and say things I really don't mean. I can throw a tantrum like a child, when I don't get my way. So was it me that drove you away.

Difficult Day...

2008-09-19T13:25:00.001-07:00

Hasn't been easy today. Been missing you like crazy.

Hostage

2008-09-19T08:22:00.001-07:00

He guards the entrance to your lair.
He's small, he's brown and he's a bear.
I couldn't resist as a I was walking by,
To snatch and keep hostage this little guy!

Anatomy of a Broken Heart

2008-09-19T08:22:00.000-07:00

So last night I attended Kooza, Cirque de Soleil's exhilarating new show. It was not only breathe takingly beautiful, but had me gasping and at the edge of my seat quite a few times. So magical, so alluring, a beautiful evening....that was suppose to be ours, that could have been ours. But like our nonexisting "relationship", it never happened. What could of been, never was. Last night you left a mark on my heart, an ache that I will always remember and reference should you ever attempt to enter my world again, should you try to sneak your way in. You never asked what I did with the tickets, did I have someone to go with me? Did I sell them?....you never cared and nothing spoke louder then your silence. But in the end its your loss, you walked away from the magic, the love, the care, someone that was completely into you and would have given you 100% and more. You just walked away...Regardless, I pushed the thoughts of you out of my head and enjoyed the show. Special thanks to M for sharing this special evening with me.

gchat

2008-09-18T11:49:00.001-07:00

It helped the day go by....when we would chat you and I.

Gay, Straight or Bi

2008-09-18T10:18:00.000-07:00

So I am left with quit a few questions after the end of this last "relationship". It's relationship in quotes because it was lets say nonofficial. One of the major and most unsettling questions is that of his sexuality. In the very beginning of the "relationship" he told me he was bisexual, in my shock I didn't pursue further explanation (I was on probation after some bad behavior of my own). After a weekend of me and my girlfriend M repeating the phrase "I've dated men, but I don't like dick" over and over again in astonishment, I decided to ask him for further explanation. At this point he reneged and said he was just trying to freak me out and see how I react to unexpected things. The evidence I have to his bisexuality are as follows:

Myspace post from another guy addressed to "Hey Sexy"....but ending in "bro"
a flirtatious calendar appointment to another guy with the subject "I want to be near you.....physically"
he once told a mutual friend that he was planning an elaborate dinner for a guy he had meet and was waiting for the guy to call him
feminine mannerisms

I questioned him several times more during our "relationship" about this subject, each time he vehemently denied any activity or sexual interest in other men. So I am left with the question, is he gay (no), straight (maybe) or bi (most likely).

Letting go of you

2008-09-17T18:37:00.000-07:00

Passion pain fury love
Darkness light dreams fight
Up and down rollercoaster ride
Turmoil boiling inside
Holding on letting go
Wrong right I don’t know
Give me time give me space
To make sense of this waste